Church of Prostaticus

The Church of Prostaticus (generally referred to as "The Church") is the religious establishment centered around the worship of the primary god Prostaticus. It is the most widely popular church in Phallica with countless members around the continent.

History
The Church of Prostaticus was founded during the Second Era shortly after the Phallica Alliance formed and Prostaticus was formally discovered in through the Old Ones. Once the races found their common god, a group of religious leaders convened and attempted to construct a written set of beliefs and practices based around the worship of Prostaticus. Within years, the Church of Prostaticus had an official hierarchy, and an enforced, communicating system of churches sprouted up around Phallica.

During the Great War, the Church of Prostaticus provided refuge for Gnomes who sought safety from the genocidal rampage of the Orcs. As a result, many churches were destroyed and targeted despite the Church being a neutral entity in the war.This would later lead the Church to establish the Battle Nuns of Prostaticus as protection to avoid such an event from reoccurring.

Since the revelation of Prostaticus to King Gaylen and his later death at the end of the Great War, the Church of Prostaticus recognized him as the greatest martyr for the Church. Many modern Phallica churches feature imagery honoring the King as a holy individual.

At the start of the Third Era, the Church of Prostaticus began to recover what was lost in the Great War. Destroyed churches were rebuilt, the Battle Nuns of Prostaticus were strengthened, and the Church grew in followers over time. However, the rise of the Cult of Frank the Fingerer in the Third Era has led to multiple acts of terrorism and violence against members of the Church, causing the Dick Richard Johnson II to declare a Holy Cocksade against the Cult. Since, the Battle Nuns of Prostaticus have been hunting Cultists, and conflict threatens the peace of the Phallica.

Organization
The Church of Prostaticus has a traditional system of organization created in its founding, and the system has remained unchanged to this day. The Church distributes power in a downward hierarchy, with the only balance of power lying between the Dick and Balls.

The Dick
The Dick is the title of the head of the Church. Always a male, the Dick acts as the figurehead of the Church, though he does hold a great deal of power. As the public face of the Church, the Dick will make all public announcements and address the masses. The Dick will hold his position until death, upon which a new one shall be selected among the Balls.

The Dick acts as half of the Church's authority, having power equal to that of the Balls, save for the sole right to declare Holy Cocksades.

As of Third Era, Year

The Balls
The Balls are the high council of the Church. The Balls are comprised of [REDACTED] members, one hailing from each geographical region of Phallica except the Badlands, which does not recognize Prostaticus, and Sova Scrotia. They perform all management operations for the Church, from finances to arming the Battle Nuns of Prostaticus. Members meet together with the Dick to decide on matters, and decisions can only go forward if both parties agree.

The Shaft
The Shaft is the collective name for all lower level priests that operate on a local scale. These priests hold the title of Prostate, and they manage the individual churches and shrines throughout Phallica. They evangelize and seek new disciples while tending to the many rituals required for the worship of Prostaticus.

Priests of the Shaft are typically accompanied by what they call "Helpers," which are young boys in merely loincloths. The "Helpers" often perform menial tasks for the priests, such as retrieve simple objects. The primary task of the "Helpers," according to priests of the Shaft, is to help "reduce stress." When the priests are "frustrated," they will go into a private room in the churches for a period of time, where witnesses report sounds of pounding against the walls.

Beliefs
The Church of Prostaticus recognizes Prostaticus as the one true god of Phallica. The Church believes that Prostaticus is the embodiment of all that is good and orderly, and those that do evil and sow chaos are heretics. The Church holds little regard for heretics; those who make a single mistake are excommunicated and ostracized. Chaos is an irrevocable damage to an individual, and one instance of it will lead to only more chaos. It spreads like an illness; those who have been touched by evil must be cast out, for they can only spread such thoughts to others.

The beliefs of the Church stem from their holy text: the Cock Chronicles. New members are required to read all 690 pages of the book in its entirety, and the proceedings of the Church often involve the reciting of various verses from the text, such as:"And the Lord Prostaticus doth proclaim, put down thy fingers; and embrace thine shaft, given to thee by the Lord and created in His image, and shower thyself in the pure, white love of thy God, Prostaticus; for His love is true, and creamy. Cast aside thine chaos, for it is unclean. How can a man feel the warm blast of the Lord Prostaticus's love if thy actions erratic, and impure?"

- The Book of Hand-Job The Cock Chronicles states that new members must undergo a specific, hidden ritual to become a true member of the Church of Prostaticus. Members are preferably young males, below the age of 13, but the Church has proclaimed that it accepts any members free of chaos and evil. The Cock Chronicles describes the procedure as follows:"And in secret, thou shalt be confronted by three of the Shaft; in a triangle, the most orderly shape, shall each Shaft begin to praise the name of Prostaticus, building thine words in strength and holy zeal, until a final blast from all showers the newly awakened. And they shall feel the warm love of Prostaticus across their face, and it shall be beautiful. Those newly born in the white love of the Lord shall then clean thyselves of it, and none shall know how thou came to love thy Lord. They will know by your zeal, and love of the white warmth of your Lord."

- The Book of Hand-Job The process has yet to be observed; initiates are shuffled one at a time into a room with outside viewing. Three priests of the Shaft shall enter, and the door will be closed for a brief period of time. Bystanders have reported the sound of three men groaning to increasing volumes, until a loud volumes is reached, followed by a sigh of relief. Some have reported the sound of a splash, or liquid dripping; the source is unknown. After a random period of time has passed, the initiate shall leave, followed by the three priests who generally appear physically exhausted. Observed claimed the face of the initiate seemed healthier than before. A period of "rest" passes (generally 10-15 minutes), and the process repeats. Miraculously, no initiate has yet to detail the exact process that occurs behind doors.

Members of the Church perform the Sign of Prostaticus, in which thet utter the sacred text:

"In the name of the shaft, the balls, and the holy head. Amen."

combined with making the shape of a penis across one's chest.